Making it through the newborn haze

So 6 weeks into being a family of 5 and mum of 3… How’s it going? I hear you ask

Well I haven’t ran away to a desert island (just yet) I did mention on my Instagram that I felt like a mum robot.
I know the times of when things should happen eg. The next bottle, school run’s , dinner but I feel like I’m not actually living in the real world.
Hazy Day’s
I’m living in some sort of strange newborn haze. I don’t know what day of the week it is.
I feed Hugo, next thing I look at the time and it’s 4 hours later without even knowing what I’ve done but in that time I’ve done loads! I forget to eat, and sleep is none existent. Even with feeling like this, the main thing is, and with the help of Daniel when he finishes work, the kids are being fed some sort of food, washed and dressed.
I think in one week the boy’s had waffles and beans 3 times. I added to different veg because in my head veg on a plate makes it all ok. The boy’s are happy and everything somehow is ticking along.
I am learning to try and go easy on myself, after all I am still recovering mentally and physically, and at the minute if we need to have an indoor day and we don’t get outside into the fresh air- IT’S OK!  (stop feeling guilty Kathryn.)
Same as if the washing doesn’t get done and other house bits don’t get seen too, the world won’t stop turning. The washing can wait for a bit  (easier said than done but I’m working on it.) Hugo on the other hand does not wait and right now 95% of the day he needs me. 

I am not failing, I am learning
The early weeks with newborn’s are the toughest. I feel in the early day’s you are still pumped on adrenline from the birth, you have your beautiful new bundle, the visitors are endless. As the weeks tick on realisation kicks in that- oh shit the baby really doesn’t sleep when you would like him too, you don’t know why on earth he’s crying, then the tiredness catches up, and hormones are EVERYWHERE, all those thing’s all at once, hit’s you in the face and it is overwhelming.
Yes it’s my baby, but I’ve just met him, I don’t know him yet.
I know that might sound ridiculous, but that’s how I felt for eg. I have to get to know his different cries, to know what he wants. 
6 weeks on I now know that certain high pitched scream isn’t hunger, it is because he is overtired. I didn’t know that overnight.
I’m trying not to put pressure on myself to do everything all at once. It doesn’t mean I’m failing ,it means I’m learning.
I’m learning something new about Hugo everyday.
There are no instructions, I can’t download an app to tell me how my baby work’s (how amazing would that be!) and every baby is different. Of course just when you do kind of start getting to know them they change all over again.  That’s just sod’s law.

Eat, Sleep, Cry, Poo, Repeat
Can I just say, whoever said that newborn’s sleep all day and eat all day, clearly lives in cloud coo coo land as they do not! They eat when they want to , sleep when they want to , poo a lot, cry a lot, repeat. Of course it is just a phase and eventually those cries and the uncertainty you have  as to why they are crying turns into, you knowing each other inside and out.
The cry’s turn into babbles and coo’s and then the smiles come. It sounds selfish of me but you do eventually start getting something back from them. As in these early week’s it can feel like all I am doing is keeping Hugo’s belly full and changing nappies. 
 I am putting in the hours non stop all day, living on maybe 2 hour’s sleep a night and a packet of rich tea biscuit’s, the lack of sleep, and there is nothing back from my little bundle. Some day’s it might be endless crying ( that’s from me and Hugo). It can feel so frustrating and exhausting especially on a day when you’ve spent 4 hours trying to get them to just go to bloody sleep. 

There is light

Then just the other day while I was changing Hugo and I was babbling away to him, he looked at me and really focused on my face and he smiled not a windy smile a proper smile. For the first time I could see in his face actual realisation, that he really does know who I am. 
Of course he has known all along, but I could see it. I could see for myself he is starting to become more aware of what is going on.
That moment was wonderful, it gave me the boost I needed, to power on through this newborn tunnel.
I know there will be so many more firsts and even more special moments with Hugo to come. I know this as I’ve been through it twice over, there is light at the end of the newborn hazey tunnel.
My baby IS aware that I am his Mummy, that I feed and care for him, that I love him. I could see from the way his eye’s lit up when he smiled, that he loves me and everything I am doing for him.